Americans are boring because we don’t have universal health care. There are a lot of things I’d like to be doing right now: traveling, running marathons, writing novels, but none of those occupations provide health care. Doing your own thing means finding your own insurance, which is crazy expensive. The need for health care forces us either to take a 9 to 5 job or work 40 hours a week at Starbucks. And that’s why Europeans, with their free health care, are so much more interesting than Americans.

Note: this theory does not explain the universal dullness and healthcare system found in Canada.